Where Has Roy Been?
So, I’ve been pretty depressed and anxious. About halfway through my elementary school visits, the outsiderness got to me and I kinda cracked. The next two months I went to one school that was a little over an hour away and then another that is more like 2 hours away. For most of December, I had to get up at 4:30am to go to work every day, including my birthday.
So I wasn’t too happy. I still drift in and out of irritation/anxiety but I’m feeling a lot better now that I’m back at my base school. The teachers there are pretty chill and it’s clear that I belong and I’m not the perpetual guest*. I think it helps a lot that they know I won’t just be there for one month. They can depend on me to be a part of their ongoing educational plan. Also, it’s a 20-minute walk instead of a 2-hour subway/train/bus Rube-Goldberg machine of transport.
I considered very hard the idea of not recontracting as an ALT and instead starting a therapy practice here. But I realized that worries about visas and taxes, etc. would probably just make matters worse. So I’ve recontracted. I’ll be working as an ALT for another year. I just really hope that my supervisor listens to at least one of my requests. He didn’t seem super-sympathetic during our meeting, which is actually kind of odd in my experience.
I will likely start seeing a couple of clients per week, though. I just need to sort out all the weirdness about taking money to pay for my supervision, etc. My contract doesn’t allow me to work on the side, so I need to make sure they’re okay with my bookkeeping plan.
My Japanese is clearly improving and I can talk about very shallow topics with my coworkers. They often express their amazement at my growth in ability. Partly this is because Sagara-sensei did a lesson-per-day intensive with each of us over Winter Break. It was super helpful. Soon we will cover the te-form (a kind of conjugation kinda thing) and I will finally be able to string together full sentences with more than one verb! Yay!
*A few words about the perpetual guest: there is definitely a culture of hospitality in Japan. That’s great when you’re touring and it’s great when you’re visiting friends. But it’s really frustrating to go to workplaces that constantly treat you like a guest for months on end. You start to realize that the Japanese guest mentality isn’t just hospitality, it’s also rejection from inclusion. It’s “you’re not one of us, you’re just a guest.” When you actually live and work in Japan, that gets depressing fast.
Now I should make a note, before anyone jumps on the hate-wagon, that this kind of attitude emerges from a confluence of many factors, one of which is cultural values. So be aware that there are many Japanese people in my life who don’t treat me like this nor think that I don’t belong. The teachers at my base school feel I belong as do my Japanese friends. So being back at my base school has done wonders for my mood. Also, the situation was compounded by the fact that I was at the last two schools for one month each. So the “you’re a guest” approach will definitely dominate in that situation.
It’s good to be back at a place where I’m really accepted. Also, they keep me too busy to really be worried about anything!
January 31st, 2008 at 6:15 am
I know that “perpetual guest” feeling too Roy. A person can get fed up with it pretty quickly. It’s definitely cultural and comes from a sense of Japanese identity. It’s a result fo many cultural things passed down for centuries, and there’s no much we can do about it except teach our students that foreigners DO exist and that the world outside the bubble can be pretty cool and interesting - if they make an effort to view it. I blogged/ranted a lot about this on my blog: http://happyinhokkaido.typepad.com/happy/2008/01/bubbles-bubbles.html
Hang in there buddy! Glad you’re here for a second year too!
February 12th, 2008 at 12:33 am
awwww….how exhausting….trying to constantly “break through” the wall of being an outsider. sounds like you are trying your best to focus on the positive moments. miss you. you’ll always “belong” in my little world!
February 26th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Hey Roy,
I’m glad to hear things are looking up for you…winter is hard no matter where you are (well, unless it’s Florida, maybe…?), but I can’t imagine the added stress of being in a foreign country helps at all.
I’ve been interested in reading your posts (Electra’s, too). After I’m done with training I’m considering spending some time in Korea…I’ve started a Korean class, which has been really good for me. I love the challenge of learning a new language, and Korean is actually remarkably easy to learn, thanks to a completely phonetic alphabet!
Even with some basic language skills, though, I won’t really be adequately prepared for the culture shock of being in a completely different part of the world. Despite having read many memoirs of overseas adopted Koreans, there isn’t really any way to prepare emotionally for that kind of journey–from seeing Koreans as “Other” to being one of them. A part of me feels like I shouldn’t expect much from the experience unless I stay for a prolonged period of time–two weeks, or even a month, just doesn’t seem long enough.
But, who knows? I have a lot to get through before then. Not the least of which is another summer of intense training, then a final summer of wrap up and oral and written exams. By then you two should be back in the States!